Hi friends! Depending on where you are at, it’s currently sunny and warm where I’m at. And I don’t know about you, but I definitely welcome the sunshine. I do not enjoy winter simply because I love sunlight, and sometimes in the winter months we don’t get a lot of sunshine.
I hope that you all had a wonderful holiday season. It seems like it was just yesterday that I was writing that Christmas was right around the corner and now it’s come and gone. Quite frankly, I’m glad the holiday season is over. This was by far probably one of the worst holiday seasons I’ve ever experienced – and one I do not wish to repeat ever again.
I have had a lot of things happen over the last couple of weeks that have quite frankly left me wondering what the heck I did to deserve it all at once. Of course I had my gall bladder surgery at the beginning of December and just before Christmas I started having some more issues with my health. My doctor assured me that the pain I was experiencing was normal. Eh – this is normal??? I was having quite a bit of pain in my abdomen and he says it is because my muscles have been cut through not once, but twice, and so they’re just trying to heal back together. Um, ok, doc – I’ll trust you. Well, Christmas day I felt horrible the entire day. I spent Christmas day alone, in the recliner – just me and the tv (and of course my two rugrats that I call cats, lol). But still – it was Christmas Day!! I should have been excited, in the Christmas spirit and all. But I simply wasn’t. I couldn’t wait for it to be over. Christmas of all days – and I wanted it to be over. But I managed to get through the day – all thanks to pain killers though. Not only have I had to deal with pain, but I’ve also been dealing with nausea and vomitting. When you feel like crud it makes it difficult to get your nutrition and liquids in.
So between family drama, being sick, finding out my debit card number had been stolen and all of my funds taken from my account, and some other financial issues I’ve had to deal with – well, the stress of it all finally caught up with me this past weekend. I spent four straight days in bed which ultimately landed me in the emergency room, again. I couldn’t take the pain anymore or the fact that I could barely eat or drink without either getting sick or feeling like I was going to get sick. So to the ER I went. Turns out I was severely dehydrated and after lots of tests and a CT scan it was determined that I have a tightening in my stomach. Thankfully my bowels weren’t twisted because if they had, I’d probably would have had emergency surgery Tuesday night. So next week I have an appointment with my doctor to determine the next step of action. He will probably either do an upper GI on me or a scope to see what is causing the problem. In the meantime, I’m dealing with pain and nausea still – story of my life lately.
I say all of that because it brings me to the title of this entry – I’m in a battle. Not just any battle either. With everything that has gone on in December and has carried over to the new year, not only am I in a physical battle with my body at the moment, but I’m in a spiritual battle as well. My faith has been trusted oh so many times over the last few weeks. And while I’m not proud to say it, there have been times that I have not been pleasant with other human beings on this earth. I am not as strong as some people think I am. I too, have my moments. And lately they haven’t been pretty. At one point I literally felt like I was at my last straw and no matter what anyone told me, I just really wanted to crawl in a hole and die. When you’re in the midst of a storm – whatever it may be – sometimes it’s difficult for a person to think clearly. And clearly I wasn’t thinking clearly. I’m not one to usually give up, but I was at my breaking point. I felt like a failure, I hurt some people, and even said some things under my breath that I know I shouldn’t have said. I was frustrated, beat down, and the hits just kept coming.
So in those four days that I was in bed, I just kept praying to God to speak to me. I’m at my lowest point, literally had NOTHING left, and I just kept begging Him to speak to me. I didn’t deserve it, I knew that. But my heart was broke and my spirit wounded. I can’t say that He necessarily spoke directly TO me, but He spoke to me through others. Just by reading status messages on facebook that were scripture related and in a timely fashion. It’s not like I purposely sought out all of the facebook postings of my friends that had scriptures. I would open the screen on my phone to facebook and the scriptures would be right there – words of encouragement. I also listened to a recent sermon that Delynn Rizzo of Healing Place Church delivered on Brokeness and it had three main points – God hears, God cares, and God heals. So I know that God has heard my cries, and that God cares about me and my circumstances, and He heals. So even though my spirit is wounded, I’m placing my faith and trust in those three things. But here’s the key – it’s in His time, and not mine. So even though I’m in a battle right now, I know He is going to work everything out – even when I have NO clue how it’s going to happen.
And just today, I was reminded of just how much we are loved. Even though we are human and we constantly fail – I know that God still loves me. His word says so:
Isaiah 43:1-4 (MSG)
When You’re Between a Rock and a Hard Place
But now, God’s Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
the One who got you started, Israel:
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you.
I am thankful for everyone that has encouraged me, prayed for me, offered to help in any way. I really do have some amazing people in my life who are willing to stand by me and love me in my darkest hour and help me get through all of this. I am human, I will continue to make mistakes, but I am a work in progress and I’m learning. I know God has great things ahead of me and I know He is trying to teach me something through all of this. I’m not sure what, yet, but in time His plans shall be revealed.
I hope that each of you have a blessed 2012 and that your year is amazing! Love you all!
oh..and by the way….I’m at 226…so for those keeping track – that means I’m 11 pounds away from the 100 mark. And THAT day will be a huge celebration. 🙂