WARNING: This post has the potential to be brutally honest about some things and may make the reader uncomfortable. I am not going to hide what I have been experiencing because that would be denying my true feelings and I want this blog to be helpful to other readers who just want honesty. Just wanted to give you a fair warning. 🙂
Hello everyone! I trust that this entry finds you doing well. Can you believe that Christmas is only a couple of weeks away? I have found myself having a difficult time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. I thing a lot of it has to do with the recent events in my life, but also I know that financially I cannot go all out this year and buy too many (if any) presents this year. I know Christmas isn’t about the presents, but I love to give gifts. This year things are just going to have to be different.
So what’s been going on with me? Well, last Friday I had another surgery, this one was unplanned. On December 3rd I started experiencing some severe pain in my stomach on my right side. I thought maybe it was because I had worn some jeans and was sitting all day, making it a bit tight around my abdomen. But then on Sunday, I was still having the pain and it was getting worse. I called the doctor on call and he suggested that I come in to the ER and have things checked out. So, my mom and I spent Sunday afternoon in the ER. After having an ultrasound done, it was determined that I needed to have my gall bladder taken out. The ER doc told me to follow up with my doctor that did my gastric bypass surgery and that I was not going back to work on Monday. So, first thing Monday morning I called my doctor, got an appointment scheduled for the next day. And my doctor was in agreement that my gall bladder needed to come out. He was quite surprised that I started having problems so soon after my surgery. Gall stones is a common side effect of weight loss surgery, and I was aware of that going into this. And typically they run tests on your gall bladder before surgery so that if there are stones present before surgery, they just do it all at once. But my results came back with an exceptionally healthy gall bladder, which is why they didn’t take it out when I had my gastric bypass done. So much to all of our surprise, I was now faced with another surgery. So, last Friday I had my gall bladder removed.
The procedure was done as an outpatient and I was home late Friday evening. And while I’m thankful to have that thing out of me, I have been in misery even more ever since. The doctor was able to re-use some of my incisions from my gastric bypass, so now I have those incisions healing again. But I have had the worst case of constipation known to man. It hurts to stand, sit, lay down, anything. I have experienced nausea, pain, and even an emotional breakdown in the bathroom. It has NOT been a pleasant last few days. Thank goodness for painkillers and a cat that likes to cuddle. I am SO ready to get back to feeling normal again though.
Not only have I been dealing with this, but you know I can’t really do much to keep myself busy so I just start thinking about stuff. I keep re-hashing everything that went down with my recent break-up with my ex. So I have had to deal with those feelings, wondering if I made the right decision. I’ve been trying to find out some more information, but I haven’t gotten any response from those I sent messages to. So now I’m wondering if it wasn’t all a scheme to break us up. I don’t know anymore. I’m not going to lie – I miss him, a lot. I hate that he is hurting right now, but so am I. I loved him deeply and I trusted him. But I just can’t seem to figure out what is real and true anymore. I just want some answers because I have to know that I made the right decision.
And then I think – well maybe God does have someone better out there for me. But doesn’t He know that I hate the dating period? lol. But all joking aside, I think about the future and what lies ahead. And the more I think about it, the more confused I get. I’m literally in a place that I don’t know what direction I should go. I am not at peace with anything right now. I’m frustrated and honestly I’m a little sensitive. Someone’s comment to me today hit me wrong and I had had enough. So, if I come off abrasive to some, I apologize now. I’m human, I have feelings, and I have a lot going on upstairs right now. So I ask for mercy, patience, and time while I try to figure out where I’m going next. Two weeks ago, my life was all planned out, and now….I have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring. Having no plan, well it scares me. I’m a planner. I like to have things laid out and in order. Now, I don’t have that.
Even though I’d like to have every one of my posts all rosey and happy, this one simply is not. It’s a glimpse at a day in my life. I posted recently on my facebook page that I don’t know what God is trying to teach me through all of this, but I know it will be worth it. And maybe someday I can write a happy post on just what God has revealed to me. But until that day comes, just please keep loving me right where I’m at, because right now it’s not pretty.
Love you all…