Hello fellow readers – well if any of you still exist.  It’s been quite a while since I’ve last blogged.  And so much has happened over the last couple of years.

Here is just a quick run-down of the things that have happened since my surgery:

1.  I got married in July 2012.

2. I had a baby in June 2013.

3.  We’ve been remodeling a house since 2011 – and hopefully to finish up in the next couple of months.

4.  I started running Summer of 2014 to start losing the weight I gained with pregnancy #1.

5.  Found out in September 2014 that we were expecting baby #2.

6.  We are due with baby #2 in late May.

As you can see, so much has been happening over the last couple of years that it’s easy to see why my blog is covered in dust, if you will.

My goals for this year, after I have this baby, is to start running again, start blogging again, and get back on track with my weight loss journey.  So stay tuned, hopefully there is more to come.  But I’m still here, still kicking, and still battling the weight loss war.  I’d love to be able to blog (someday) about my weight loss journey and how I handled it with my pregnancies.  I’m sure many women who are looking to have the surgery have questions about fertility.  And hopefully, I can share my experience as a glimmer of hope to someone who is walking the same path I was walking several years ago.

Until next time…

With Thanksgiving quickly approaching and all of the posts that I’ve seen recently of people listing things they are thankful for each day, I decided that perhaps I should join the bandwagon and do the same (20 days late, but hey better late than never!).  But I’m going to take it a step further.  Because I know I won’t remember to do days 21-30, I’ve just decided to do them all at once!  So without further ado, here is my (small) list of things I’m thankful for.

I’m thankful for:

Day 1 – a husband who loves me even in my ugliest moments.

Day 2 – a God who forgives me every single time I fail in my walk.

Day 3 – my parents who provide a roof over our head until our house is done (and put up with my pregnancy hormones).

Day 4 – the opportunity to have a child – it truly is a blessing!

Day 5 – my hostesses, customers, downline and leaders in my thirty-one business.

Day 6 – decent health insurance for my family.

Day 7 – a health savings account that has allowed me to pay off some of my medical bills and pay on other medical bills monthly (stress-free).

Day 8 – my husband’s foot rubs at the end of the day, especially after a stressful day at work.

Day 9 – all of my friends who call, text, or facebook me frequently. 

Day 10 – everyone who was able to help a friend out in desperate need.

Day 11 – Pinterest – it’s saving me a ton of money this year for Christmas gifts.

Day 12 – my mom who taught me how to cook.

Day 13 – my dad even though we don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things most of the time, he will always be my dad.

Day 14 – my brother even though we aren’t really close anymore I still admire his perseverance through everything he’s been through. 

Day 15 – my nieces and nephews because even though they may not know it, they really do light up my life.

Day 16 – my in-laws  which includes my mother-in-law, my father-in-law, my sister-in-law and her family.  I do have some pretty great in-laws! 

Day 17 – coupons!  It’s free money and helps our budget!

Day 18 – my cats Tegan & Toad, they’re just so darn cute!

Day 19 – space heaters because I’m always cold!

Day 20 – vacation time.  5-day holiday weekends are always nice!

Day  21 – people who took the week of Thanksgiving off.  You’ve made my trips to work and back MUCH more enjoyable (and faster)!  LOL

Day 22 – my hairdresser – she always knows how to make me look & feel beautiful! 

Day 23 – my church family – I’m so blessed to have you all in my life!

Day 24 – even though we’re losing the privilege very soon, my Fridays that I work at home.  It’s been a big help with our finances and scheduling doctor appointments.   I know that God will provide a way/means for us to get through the remainder of this pregnancy financially.   

Day 25 – chocolate.  brownies.  enough said.

Day 26 – my customer at work who truly appreciates the work I do for them (so refreshing!)

Day 27 – the parking spot I usually get right outside the door at work.  It makes things a bit easier on this pregnant lady!  LOL

Day 28 – the fact that I DON’T go out shopping on Thanksgiving day or on Black Friday.  I treasure the holidays and I will NEVER partake in such a hideous event.  America has forgotten the meaning of Thanksgiving and instead of focusing on what hot item you want to buy this year, why not focus on your family that would probably rather spend time with you.  Our time here on earth is very limited and I for one will not let materialism, consumerism, and commercialism get in the way of spending time with people I love. (ok, rant over, lol)

Day 29 – maternity pants.  Ladies, you know what I’m talkin about!  LOL

Day 30 – the fact that I have a lot and so much more to be thankful for. But the ultimate thing that I am thankful for is found in John 3:16 – God’s ultimate sacrifice. 

Safe travels to everyone who will be out and about this holiday weekend.  I hope that everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving with your families this year!  Love, me.

Until next time…

Hi everyone!  Well once again, it’s been a few days since I’ve last written…just a few.  I hope that everyone is doing awesome!  Can you believe we are entering the holiday season already?  Wow time sure does fly.  Which is why I write today.  

Today marks a very special day in my life.  Today I celebrate my one year post-op anniversary!  That’s right.  One year ago today I had my bariatric surgery.  Can you believe that?!  It just blows my mind to even think about that!  At this very time a year ago, my family and boyfriend (at the time) was waiting patiently as I was completely out of it, in the OR, all while a wonderful doctor changed the course of my life.  Best decision I ever made!

This last year has been a major year of changes.  I can’t say that the beginning of the year started off well – it was quite rough.  At times it made me question my decision.  But I trudged through the hard times and learned that I’m a fighter.  I don’t give up.  There were days I wanted to, but I knew someday this would all pay off.  And it has.

Let’s take a step back and look at my very first entry on March 24, 2011.  In that entry I mentioned a few reasons as to why I was going on this journey.  Here’s a recap:

1.  I need to be healthy again.

2.  There are two things in life I want to experience:  being thin(ner).

3.  I want to experience pregnancy someday.

4.  I want to improve my emotional state when it comes to a relationship with my {future} husband {whoever that might turn out to be}.

5.  I want to run.  I love running actually.

6.  I want to be able to go do things without being in pain at the end of the day.

7.  I want to feel beautiful.

8.  I want to love being me.

9.  I wan to live this life according to God’s plan for me.  I think I’m standing in the way of that, right now.

10.  I want to be able to say I lost half of me..and the better half stuck around. 

 Although I still struggle with 7 & 8 on a daily basis (what woman doesn’t?) I can sit here and say that I have achieved every single one of those items on my list!  Well, ok not the running part completely – but I DO run better than I ever have and enjoy softball so much more now because I can run the bases without being completely out of breath (of course that was before I got pregnant, lol)

So not only in the past year did I have life-altering surgery, but I lost a ton of weight (110 pounds), gained a stronger self-confidence, got married, and now we’re having a baby!!!!!!!  🙂   My dreams are finally coming true.  They didn’t come easy – but that’s okay.  It’s made me appreciate the blessings even more!  Is life perfect right now?  No – it’s never perfect.  But it’s right where I’d hoped and prayed it would be.

11-7-11 will always be a monumental day in my life that I will never forget.  And on 11-7-13 I will hopefully have even more to celebrate.  Our little bundle of joy (well, we think it’s only one right now, lol)  should arrive around 6-3-13.  Please keep us in your prayers though as we have our first appointment on 11-9.  As a first-time momma, I won’t hide the fact that I’m really nervous and scared that something is wrong.  I think it’s normal to feel that way.  I just want to hear our baby’s heartbeat and know that everything is okay.  This baby was a total surprise too.  We got the all clear to start trying two months early, but never did we expect that it would happen as quickly as it did.  We’re excited, nervous, scared, happy, and everything else in between.  But God IS faithful and He ALWAYS delivers on His promises.  Without Him, I wouldn’t have gotten through this past year.

So today as some may or may not celebrate yesterday’s outcome of the presidential campaign, I’m going to simply choose to celebrate life – mine, mine and my husband’s, and my baby’s.  I have a lot to be thankful for this month.  How about you?

Until next time…

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” {2 Corinthians 5:17}

 

Hello friends!  Can you believe it’s been FOUR months since I’ve last written?  Holy moses – where has the time gone?  

It has been a crazy busy summer to say the least and while I enjoy fall, I’m really not ready for summer to leave.  I love everything that fall brings like pumpkins, apple cider, campfires, and stuff like that.  But what I’m NOT ready for is cold weather.  Me and cold weather do not get along anymore.  

I had a revelation, if you will, the other day.  The temperature was very cold out and as I was getting ready for work, I knew I needed to dress a bit warmer because I get cold very easily.  So I put on my one lone long sleeved shirt in my closet, my dress pants, and my sandals (I try to drag out summer as long as I can in any way I can, lol).  Then I got to thinking, I know I have some more long sleeve shirts around here somewhere, but where on earth are they?  So as I pondered that question over the next couple of days (while creatively coming up with ways to dress warmer with the selection of clothes in my closet) and out of nowhere it hit me.  I have NO long sleeve clothes because I got rid of them.  And why did I get rid of them?   Because this time last year I was wearing a 3x clothes and now I’m in XL clothes.  So I informed my husband that I’m going to have to go on a shopping spree very soon because I need warm clothes.  It’s a great problem to have – until you realize that you need the clothes sooner than later and now you have to bounce around finances to fund this shopping spree.  Oh the fun times of a weight loss patient.  🙂

But can you believe it’s been almost a year since my surgery?!  I can remember this time last year going through all of the last minute preparations for surgery – all of the pre-op testing, bloodwork, doctor appointments, making arrangements at work, etc.  And now it’s come and gone, and here I am almost one year later and 110 pounds down.  I’ve lost a whole person!!!  

My weight loss has slowed down and has begun to stabilize more.  I can eat more I’m learning, but at the same time I’ve had to learn the hard way what’s too much – it’s not pleasant either.  I am still figuring out what foods I can handle and what I can’t.  My taste buds have changed drastically and foods I used to love no longer taste good to me.  It’s really weird and sometimes hard to explain.  For instance, I used to love salad.  I’d eat salad almost every day at work.  But now, I have a salad maybe once a month, if that.  Since having my gall bladder out too, I think that has a lot to do with what I eat.  

I struggle with sweets (still) and learning to say no to them.  They ARE my downfall.  But I will say that since going off of a certain medication recently, my cravings for them have gone down.  I still crave them, just not as intense as before.  I also struggle with restaurants.  Recently we went to a local restaurant and I specifically asked for a kids menu from the greeter seater (lol – that makes me crack up!).  Anyway, no issues there, but it was the waitress who I had to “bring in the reigns” if you will.  I ordered my meal and asked what was in their fruit dish.  She told me, and I said ok I’ll take that.  She said okay and that she would bring me an adult size dish but I wouldn’t be charged extra for it.  I politely thanked her for the kind gesture but I explained that that wouldn’t be necessary because I cannot eat a lot.  So I got the kid-sized meal which was perfect.  So I still deal with the whole idea that people are used to ordering large sized portions, but when someone asks for a small portion, it’s like you’re not of this world kind of thing.  I do sometimes order a regular meal and will just take home what I don’t/can’t eat.  But when I take almost the whole meal home, I get really weird looks or I get questioned on the quality of the meal.  Again, I just have to explain that I cannot eat a lot, yadda yadda yadda.  And sadly, most of the time, my leftovers get thrown in the trash because I forget about them, or they just don’t sound good and it goes bad before I can eat it up.  So yeah, even a year later I still have some adjustments to go through and weird situations to handle.  But I actually enjoy educating people and find some satisfaction in knowing that there are people out there who eat smaller portions and do not confirm to the world.  

But the most fun thing about my surgery is the looks I get from people who haven’t seen me in a long time.  They look at you like I know you, but I just don’t know where.  Or they don’t even look at you at all because they’re so used to seeing a fat girl that they just look on by.  So recently I’ve been hearing “I didn’t even recognize you!”  My response is “Well that’s what I’m going for!”  or “That’s the reaction I like to hear!”  It’s fun and you know, I can’t wait until I go get my driver’s license updated, lol.  I wonder how much hassle I’ll have there.  But even with these comments, it’s nice to know that all of my hard work is really paying off.  And those comments confirm it.

Medically speaking, I’m in great condition.  I just recently had a follow-up appointment with my doctor and he is pleased with my progress, although he and the nutritionist did stress that I needed to be a little more physically active – which starts with me clearing my schedule a little more, which I’m working on.  I still deal with occasional stomach pains, painful gas, and even the dreadful constipation – but that’s all part of it.  It takes a while for your body to adjust, and I just have to be careful about what I eat too.  

But I’ve got some exciting news – which until now we really haven’t shared with too many people.  As you know, I got married in July (best thing I ever did).  And many of you know that I have ALWAYS wanted to have a family.  And before bariatric surgery, that was pretty much out of the question.  But now that I am married, I really want to have a family and soon.  Of course I know this is all in God’s timing and not mine, but He knows the desires of my heart and hopefully He will answer that prayer.  So with that said, my doctor gave us the all clear to start trying for a family.  So on 9/10/12 I took my last birth control pill (you know, the one I mentioned above that I quit taking and didn’t tell you what I quit taking?  lol, sneaky huh?!).  Normally the doctors like for you to wait at least 12-18 months before trying to conceive, but my doctor felt that it since I’m making great progress, that he felt that I am at a point where if got pregnant I wouldn’t be in any danger.  So yes, my husband and I have already started the family planning stuff.  I’m not pregnant yet, so settle down there reader, lol.  But hopefully by the end of the year we are.  Of course, I still have to follow-up with my OBGYN and all that stuff – which happens in October.  But by God’s grace, I hope that we have our little family soon.  I know we are both excited about it!  A few people have told us to wait, but for crying out loud, I’ve been waiting for 11 years (or more) to have a family.  Sorry, but I am not waiting anymore.  I’ve come too far to just “wait”.  One of the reasons for my surgery was to increase my chances of having a baby.  So my hubby and I are chasing after our dreams.  With all of our friends having babies, I’m hoping that some of that baby dust comes our way!  Stay tuned!!  🙂

So that’s the big news!  Life is exactly where I’d hoped it would be this time a year ago (well except we aren’t in our own house yet, lol).  I can’t wait to see what happens over the next few months!  I’m sorry I don’t get on here as much as I used to.  But I will keep everyone up to date as much as possible.  

Love you all!

Until next time…

Hello friends!  Can you believe it’s been THREE months since I’ve last posted?!?!  That is just CRAZY!!!!  I can tell you though that there has been  A LOT happen over the last three months and we have quite a bit of catching up to do!  So I’m going to answer the question “Where am I?” in a few different areas.  Here it goes!

Physically

Softball season has started and can I just say that I am sooo pumped that it has!  I LOVE being able to run the bases without being out of breath!  Ok, maybe that’s just a bit of an exaggeration – I’m breathing pretty hard after running the bases, but not to the point I feel like I’m going to pass out.  The point is that I CAN run those bases – maybe not fast, but I can!  I had a minor setback though after being ran over by two men at home plate and for the first time in my softball career I finally became one with the extremely hard ground.  lol.  I ended up with a mild concussion and a sore back.  But I’m better now and ready to play again this Sunday – bring it on!!

My body is still changing and I think I notice the biggest difference in my face.  I was scrolling through my profile photos on facebook recently and I started from current day photo to the oldest photo posted.  Wow – what a big difference (no pun intended)!  And the fun part is, I know I’m not done.

In April, I participated in a 3 mile walk and had no problem doing the three miles!  It’s time to start thinking about the 2013 Mini-Marathon though.  I really want to do it, but at the same time I feel like 13 miles is a distant goal to meet.  I’ve really slacked off on working out because things have been crazy lately.  That, and one of the issues I’ve been dealing with is that I get really tired in the afternoons and I just want to go home and do nothing after work.    I know I have to consciously make the decision to go to the gym, but I don’t.   Life has also gotten in the way of working out too  – more on that later.  😉

I’d love to say that I’ve lost a lot more weight over the last three months, but my body is finally getting to a point where it’s starting to slow down the weight loss and even itself out.  I’ve only lost 10 pounds over the last three months.  I probably could have lost more if I wasn’t eating out so much due to the fact that my schedule is absolutely crazy right now.  So I have to be REALLY careful about what I eat.  Before, I struggled with getting my fluids in.  Now, I struggle with making sure I get my protein in.  LOL  It’s funny that those two have seemed to flipped, but that’s just how it is.  I still get full faster, but sometimes my food choices aren’t the best – I admit it.   And sometimes, I pay for those food choices.  And I’m still a rookie here so it’s a learning experience too.  But on the positive side – I am now wearing a size 14/16 and that makes me really happy!  🙂  I had to get rid of three more shirts the other day because they were literally falling off of me.  Shirts that were once snug on me are now falling off of me – I’d say that’s a great problem to have!  LOL

I go tomorrow morning to have some extensive bloodwork done because in two weeks I have my 6 month check-up.  So all of the bloodwork I’ll have done is just to test and see where all of my levels are at – making sure I’m getting the vitamins and nutrients that I need.  It’s hard to believe it’s been 6 months (well almost 7) since my surgery.  Before we know it, I’ll be celebrating my one year anniversary!  But let’s not rush it – I’m really looking forward to summer and WARM weather!

Emotionally

Well life over the last three months has been a rollercoaster to say the least.   I have had several ups and downs, but I just have to remember that it was a season of life and I’m glad things are looking better.  As many of you know, I was engaged last fall and shortly thereafter the engagement was called off.  After some time apart, some serious soul searching, and the help of a wonderful counselor, I am happy to report that a relationship that was once broken has been mended and I’m getting married!!  🙂  My fiance and I have been attending couple’s counseling over the last few months and neither one of us is ashamed to admit it.  Quite honestly, it’s been a great investment into our future marriage.  I have to say that he is the first man to really fight for what we have and I know that if we ever hit a rocky point in our marriage that he would be willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage.  But on the flipside of that, we still deal with some who do not agree with our choices.  I won’t hide the fact that I wish that everyone would be supportive of my decision, but I also understand why some people are hesitant about it.  I get it.  All I can do is pray that people will open their eyes to the fact that my fiance really does love me and that he has changed.  NO relationship is ever perfect, but if two people love each other and are willing to forgive one another and move forward, then all that matters at the end of the day is that we didn’t give up.  It’s not very often nowadays that you find someone who will do whatever it takes to make a relationship work.

I try not to internalize everything and keep stuff bottled up.  But sometimes I do, and this is one of those times.  I feel the resistance from people and then I start to question myself and my decisions.  And then I start on this cycle of emotional highs and lows.  I shouldn’t LET outside influences  mess with my head,  but I do.  I mean yesterday I was watching “A Baby Story” on TLC and I cried at all of the episodes.  I finally had to walk away from the TV, lol.  But then again, maybe all of this wedding planning (actually, reception planning) has me overwhelmed.  After all, there is quite a bit of emotion there and yes, I am freaking out just a bit over it.  It’s been nine almost ten years since the last time I was married (holy moses!  didn’t realize it’d been that long, lol).  With that, some of the fears start creeping back in about my failed first marriage.  I can’t compare my fiance to my ex-husband because they are TOTALLY different.  But I can’t ignore the fact that second marriages are at a higher divorce risk than first marriages.  And maybe the enemy is just playing with my mind, but one thing I’m not going to do is let the enemy win.  My fiance and I have set a boundary that the word and option of divorce is forbidden in our home and it’s off the table.  I would love nothing more than to have people standing behind us, praying for us, as we walk down this road to our future life.  And I know that come July 17, 2012, that hopefully it will be one of the best days of my life and then again on July 21st as we celebrate with our family and friends!

Spiritually

I don’t talk a lot about my faith on here but I feel that it’s important to share where I’m at because I think it all ties in together with where I’m at everywhere else.

I hardly EVER miss a  service at church or two services at that because I’m usually serving in both services.  However, a couple of Sundays ago I actually missed both services.   It was awesome getting a reprieve from my duties but at the same time it felt “weird”.  lol  I actually took the opportunity to stay home on a Sunday.  I had just gotten back from a business trip on that Friday, Saturday was crazy busy, and I just needed a day to do nothing, think about nothing, and just simply be.  And it was nice.

But here lately I’ve had this feeling of being disconnected – disconnected from people, from things I enjoy, and from God.  I don’t know why, but I just do.  It’s a bit hard to explain and I’m not even sure I can put it into words here.  I just know that spiritually I’m not where I should be, where I want to be, but at the same time I don’t know how to get out of this funk.  It’s hard to get out of something you don’t really fully understand.   Maybe it’s because I’m overwhelmed with fixing up a house (that is taking FOREVER!), getting married and all that goes along with that, a new job at work, and I’m just allowing life to get in the way of my relationship with God.   Whatever it is, I’d really like to get back to where I was with God – but right now I’m just not there.  Maybe this IS a growing moment…I don’t know.

Other News

So yes, as I’ve said before I am getting married – that’s big news!  I’m so excited to finally start our lives together as husband and wife and I’m REALLY looking forward to having a family someday!  We talked last night in our counseling session how women fear losing their sense of identity of who they are now to who they become (i.e. so and so’s wife, so and so’s mom, etc). I actually don’t fear that – I’m embracing that and looking forward to the day of being called wife and eventually mom.  I’ve always had a desire to be a mother.  Some of you know that before my surgery, becoming a mom was really a shot in the dark because of some health issues I had.  Now that I’m losing weight and getting healthier and removing some of those barriers that were preventing me from conceiving many years ago, I’m excited about what the future holds.  Oh and I’m going Thursday evening to pick out my dress – I have two picked out, I just need to figure out which one I want to get.  I’m so glad that my mom is going too.

I recently had a change at my job and took on a new role at work.  At first, I was going to be traveling for four weeks to New Jersey, but that changed and instead I was only gone for a week.  And with that, my company was gracious enough to give me a wardrobe allowance to purchase business suit attire.  Let me tell ya, that couldn’t have come at a better time!  I had a personal shopper from Macy’s and I loved every minute of it.  I really can’t even describe how I felt trying on those suits and actually liked what I saw in the mirror.  I felt like I could conquer the world.  It was an amazing feeling – and just one more thing to add to the list of pay-offs from having my surgery.

As I mentioned too, I’m in the middle of a house remodel.  Oh how I wish it was done!  But unfortunately we are not even close!  It’s been difficult for me to go over to the house and work if it’s cold.   There is no heat in the house and my body simply cannot handle cold temperatures anymore.  If it’s not 76 or above, I’m probably freezing.  But now that the weather has gotten nicer,  other things have cluttered my schedule and haven’t allowed me to work on it.  And at the same time I’m trying to keep the outside looking nice so that we don’t get a nice little letter from the town saying to clean up your property.  I have a love/hate relationship with the monstrous flower garden in the front yard.  I’m half tempted to bulldoze the entire front yard and start over with just grass!  LOL.  At least I can mow it and be done with it!  lol  So even though I’m getting married in July, we really won’t have a house to live in for a while.  I (half) joked with my fiance the other day about where we would stay after we were married.  I told him that we’d have this running joke about custody – “Well which set of parents has custody of us this weekend?” after I had mentioned about trading weekends of where we’d stay.  Just another detail we have to work out.  But until then, it’s work work work on the house.  We have GOT to get it done soon!!!!

Well that’s about all I have for now.  I know this was long – but that’s what you get for when I take forever and a day to blog again.  LOL  I hope that I didn’t talk your ear off or poke your eyes out with boredom.  Just know that things are crazy right now, and I may be a bit scatter-brained for a while – no comments from the peanut gallery either!  Ha!  🙂

I hope you all have a blessed day!  Love each and every one of you!

Take care!

Hi friends!  How is everyone doing?

Well not much has been happening around here lately……well ok…that’s not exactly true, lol.  There have been some pretty exciting things happening and some not so exciting things.  I don’t plan for this entry to be too long winded, but I can’t promise that won’t change mid way through.

So the last time I checked in, which was about two weeks ago, I finally hit my 100 mark.  And over the last couple of weeks, I’ve pretty much been maintaining that weight.  So today on 2-15 I still weigh 215 – and I’m still at that 100 mark.  Is it a bit frustrating that I’m not losing as fast as I was?  Sure!  But I know too that I was going to hit a point where I’d slow down…and I think maybe I’m at that point.  I’m happy with my progress so far though, don’t get me wrong.  But I still have a ways to go.  I calculated my BMI today and I’m still considered “obese” just not “morbidly obese.”  Well that’s better than the alternative, I guess.

One of the things I know I need to start doing is getting back to the gym.  Until recently, I hadn’t felt well enough to work out.  After I’d come home from work, I would just be exhausted, plus dealing with pain and nausea didn’t help the situation much.  Now that the pain is gone (thank you Lord!!!), I’m starting to feel SO much better.  Now if this stupid nausea would just go away, I’d feel on top of the world!  How do I know I need to get to the gym pronto?  Well the other day I flexed my arm to see my “muscle” and I felt my arm and it was all mushy!  lol  I don’t know how else to explain it.  Also, on Sunday I wore heels for the first time for church and by the time I got home, my legs were so weak and wobbly.  I realized that I am losing muscle and losing it rapidly – and it’s hard to get back.  So I think maybe next week I will start to get back into a workout routine.

Another issue I’ve been dealing with is sleep – or lack thereof.  My sleeping habits here lately have been way off the charts.  I think my body went through a withdrawal phase of not having any pain killers in my system (which made me sleep all of the time).  I was like a baby who had their days and nights mixed up.  I finally had had enough of not being able to get comfortable, or relaxed enough to fall asleep and stay asleep.  So I bought some stuff called Rapid Sleep PM.  Oh my word am I so glad I bought that stuff!!  I take it a half hour before I go to bed and I sleep so well all night long.  And I’m not groggy when I wake up.  So my body is slowly getting back into a “normal” routine.

But here are some cool things I’ve noticed that I can do now since I’ve lost 100 pounds.  The first thing that I can do is cross my legs – properly.  Now you may be thinking what is so neat about that?  Well it’s just the fact that I couldn’t do that prior to my surgery.  And now I can.  I actually am starting to feel like a real lady and not just a big blob of fat taking up space.  The other thing is that I can reach the middle of my back now – again just another weird thing I’ve noticed.  lol.  I think the biggest accomplishment I noticed was the day I went to try on clothes here recently.  I was wearing a size 22 pant and they were literally falling off of me.  So when I went to get some more pants for work, I went to Dress Barn (love love love that store!!!), I grabbed a 20 and an 18 size because I didn’t know what would fit.  I put the 18s on and I kinda did a double-take.  THEY were TOO BIG TOO!!!  Let me tell ya, the fact that I got into a size 16 jean and size 16 dress pant – I was ecstatic!!!!  I jumped three sizes in one month!!  It’s just more motivation to want to lose more.  Don’t worry – I’m not going to become overly obsessive about losing weight – I have a healthy goal weight in mind and I plan to get there…someday.

Here’s another cool thing that’s been happening.  I went to Wal-mart the other night to grab a few groceries (and to get out of the house).  I saw quite a few people who I knew, but I don’t think they recognized me.  So it’s kinda cool to know that my looks are changing and people aren’t recognizing me.  But at the same time, inside I’m like – it’s just me, lol.  Don’t you know who I am?  lol.  Anyway – it’s been fun to see the looks on people’s faces when they figure out who I am.

It’s also been neat getting the attention from guys.   However, I want to make one point VERY clear here.  Yes, the attention from men has been nice, it certainly DOES NOT bring me the happiness that I’m searching for LONG TERM.  I told a friend this other night – my losing weight has nothing to do with finding a guy except that I just want to be healthy for my future husband and kids.  The right man will love me for all of the right reasons – NOT because I’m skinn(ier) now and getting smaller.  More on love maybe in another post – too much going on right now.  But I am starting to look at myself differently – in a more positive light and also my confidence levels are going up.  So this whole weight loss journey is not only a physical process but a mental one at that.

I was reading today an article that said that people who are married and have weight loss surgery are at a higher risk for divorce.  Why?  Well because one partner who chooses to have the surgery gains not only a great body, but also a great sense of confidence and eventually falls out of love with their partner.  They want to see what’s out there with their new found life.  Honestly though, the thought of this just breaks my heart!  What happened to the sanctity of marriage?  What happened to the vows you said where it says in sickness and in health? Just because you have a new body doesn’t mean you should divorce your significant other to see what the world has to offer.  Your “world” is only more beautiful WITH your spouse in it!  Ok – I’ll get off my soapbox now, lol.  But if you go out there and do a search on “finding love after weight loss surgery”  there is some interesting data out there about this issue.  I will leave you to form your own opinion though.

So what kinds of things have I been eating lately?  Well I have now graduated to solid foods.  So I can eat just about anything I can tolerate within reason.  But here lately my body has been craving fruit – specifically oranges and pineapple.  I can easily eat four of those cuties in a day, lol.  But for breakfast I usually have a thing of SF pudding and an orange and maybe some milk.  Lunch consists of steak, typically.  Dinner is whatever – tonight I had made some homemade salsa and put it on top of some chicken with shredded cheese.  I’ve also been eating salad which I’ve missed, too.  Other than that, I haven’t ventured too far off because of my nausea issues.  I’m trying to keep my liquid intake up so that I can stay hydrated and haven’t been focusing too much lately on my protein intake.  I try to drink milk as much as possible so that I get my protein AND liquids in.  I have another appointment on March 9th – hopefully by then I will be *normal*.  lol.  And of course there’s my plethora of vitamins and supplements that I take – I swear sometimes those are meal in and of themselves…lol.

My dad asked me the other day if I’d do this all over again.  I said absolutely!  He said, “even after all of the problems you’ve had?”  I simply looked at him and said “No one ever said it would be easy.”  People let me tell ya, some think that having weight loss surgery is taking the easy way out.  They could never be more wrong.  It is difficult, there are days I want to quit, but the hard work pays off in the end.  I don’t regret my decision and nor will I ever regret my decision to have bariatric surgery.  I’m seeing the positive results of my decision.  Has it come with a high price?  You better believe it.  But my new life is turning out to be a good one and I’m not so sure that my life would have lasted much longer as the old me.  So it’s definitely worth it, in my opinion – pain and all.  I have a second chance at life – something I may not have gotten if I’d stayed at 315 (or more).  So I will gladly take the 215 on 2-15. And I’m gonna keep on losing too!

Well, that’s about all for now.  I have more to write, but I promised I’d keep this short – well I tried anyway, lol.  Thank you to everyone for your continuous love, support, and positive and encouraging comments.  Thank you for standing in my corner and cheering me on.  You all help keep me motivated!  So happy belated Valentine’s Day and know that I love you all and like I said on FB yesterday, my life is richly blessed because YOU are a part of it!  ❤

Goodnight everyone!

Until next time…

Hi friends!  I hope your year is off to a great start as we come to a close here in January.  I know my year got off to a rough start, but it’s slowly getting better!  I have a lot to catch up on, and since I just took about a 3 hour nap, I’m pretty sure I can stay awake and finish this blog entry, lol.

So, the last time I wrote I was in this battle – and what a battle it was.  I came out a little scarred, but all thanks to my God, He brought me through it.  Is everything all hunky-dory happy-go-lucky now?  No.  But it’s definitely better than it was a few weeks ago.  So let’s start with my health stuff.

As some of you may remember, I posted that I have been having some problems since Christmas and not feeling well.  Well, so far this year, I have been to the emergency room twice for pain and severe nausea.  Long story short, after the first visit to the ER my doctor wanted to see me to discuss about doing either an upper GI or a scope on me to figure out what was going on.  Well, he canceled both of my appointments and has been out of the office for the month.  I couldn’t take the discomfort any more, so I went back to the ER a second time.  After a second CT scan and a multitude of tests from blood work, they still couldn’t find anything.  So, I called my doctor’s office again and they finally got me in to see a different doctor.  That doctor sent me for an upper GI, which ultimately lasted about 5 hours.  That was last Monday….fast forward to last Friday.  So I met with the physician’s assistant on Friday and she said that my upper GI came back normal and that I had pretty much stumped the doctors as to why I was having so much trouble.  I guess that’s how I roll – I like to give people a challenge.  But on the flipside, I will say that the pain has FINALLY subsided for the most part – I get a little pain every now and then if I move just right, but it’s not CONSTANT like it was.  Good lord that was ridiculous!  But, I still have issues with nausea.  The PA wanted me to go the whole weekend without wearing one of those patches they prescribed to me a couple of weeks ago.  I did great on Saturday, but when I woke up on Sunday I felt crummy again and I had to cave in and put one on.  So I will have to touch base with her later this week and let her know how I’m doing and to see if the doctor thinks I need to go in for a scope.

People have heard me say this over and over, but I’m ready to get back to normal.  I’m ready to eat normal.  I’m ready to sleep normal.  I’m ready to feel normal.  I’m ready to be physically active again.  I just want to get past this and get on with my life.  This stage is emotionally draining, physically exhausting, and spiritually challenging.  I just never imagined that I would have had this much trouble afterwards.  And some people just don’t understand what a person goes through mentally.  I’m not going to lie, there are days when I don’t even want to crawl out of bed and face the day.  I haven’t been sleeping well and that takes a toll on a person too.  Yesterday (Sunday) I should have been the happiest girl in the world because when I stepped on the scales that morning, I FINALLY reached the 100 lb mark!  I kept saying that the day I hit 100 pounds lost, there was going to be a big party.  Well, I felt so crummy that I couldn’t even really enjoy the moment.  One of the biggest accomplishments of my lifetime, and all I did was lay in bed yesterday.  I did at least take a picture of me standing on the scale to remember the day.  But like someone said on my facebook wall – I get to enjoy the moment for the rest of my life because I’m never going back to where I was.  (Thank you Sonia!)  How true!

But think about it – ONE HUNDRED POUNDS – GONE!  Do you realize that 100 pounds is a large male deer?  A very large dog?  Four sand bags?  A small teenager?  Two bales of hay?  A couple of tires?  Holy moses!  That’s a lot of weight to be carrying around – no wonder I felt horrible all of the time.  And this will blow your mind even more – but I have another 75 pounds that I want to lose.  So by the time I do that I really will have lost a WHOLE person!  THAT is INSANE!!    But let me tell you something, even though I didn’t feel like celebrating yesterday, it really is a big deal to me that I have lost 100 pounds.   I always had it in my mind that I’d always be a big girl and that losing 100 pounds was something I was never going to be able to do.  I did it though!  I finally did it!  And I did it in less than a year – 10 months.  I feel a bit more empowered now.  I know 75 more pounds is my second round, so-to-speak.  But I’m ready to tackle those 75 pounds.    I know I can do this.  I know it’s not easy, it’s not going to be easy, and it’s going to take work and dedication.  But losing 100 pounds does something to you on the inside.  I can’t explain it, but if you’re an obese person on this same kind of journey or if you have already been down this road – you understand what I’m feeling and thinking.  Just like my hospital’s motto – the strength it takes….

So part of this journey is having good days and bad days.  I’ve had a lot of bad days here lately, but I have to say that this past Saturday I felt the greatest that I have in a while.  I had a date on Saturday!  😉  And it was a wonderful date too!  This date has been almost three years in the making – little did I know, lol.  I “met” this guy about three years ago through e-harmony.  And we never met in person, but talked online quite a bit and just kept in touch through facebook over the years and became friends.  He and I recently went through break-ups at about the same time.  We began chatting again online and he asked me out and I said yes – and I’m glad I did too.  We ended up having lunch, catching a movie, and afterwards we checked out a local Christian bookstore.  I have to say – that was my favorite part of the day.  😉  It’s finally nice to meet a man who is involved in the church and takes his faith seriously.  He and I share a lot of the same values and desires to have a Christ-centered relationship and ultimately  marriage.  So this is looking very promising.  And in case you’re wondering – yes, he did ask me out for a second date and yes I accepted.  😉   I cannot wait for our second date and I’m really pretty excited to see where this leads.  Who knows – maybe everyone who keeps telling me that 2012 is my year is right.  😉  Time will tell.

So other than that, I don’t really have much else to report.  Maybe that’s a good thing?  lol

Here is a quick report though on my “numbers”:

Weight:  215

Shirt & Pant Size:  18/20

Shoe Size – still a 9

Ring size – 8 and shrinking, lol

Next goal weight:  140 – Let’s do this!

Until next time….

 

Oh ps…here’s an updated picture…you can REALLY see the transformation!

 

Hi friends!  Depending on where you are at, it’s currently sunny and warm where I’m at.  And I don’t know about you, but I definitely welcome the sunshine.  I do not enjoy winter simply because I love sunlight, and sometimes in the winter months we don’t get a lot of sunshine.

I hope that you all had a wonderful holiday season.  It seems like it was just yesterday that I was writing that Christmas was right around the corner and now it’s come and gone.  Quite frankly, I’m glad the holiday season is over.  This was by far probably one of the worst holiday seasons I’ve ever experienced – and one I do not wish to repeat ever again.

I have had a lot of things happen over the last couple of weeks that have quite frankly left me wondering what the heck I did to deserve it all at once.  Of course I had my gall bladder surgery at the beginning of December and just before Christmas I started having some more issues with my health.  My doctor assured me that the pain I was experiencing was normal.  Eh – this is normal???  I was having quite a bit of pain in my abdomen and he says it is because my muscles have been cut through not once, but twice, and so they’re just trying to heal back together.  Um, ok, doc – I’ll trust you.  Well, Christmas day I felt horrible the entire day.  I spent Christmas day alone, in the recliner – just me and the tv (and of course my two rugrats that I call cats, lol).  But still – it was Christmas Day!!  I should have been excited, in the Christmas spirit and all.  But I simply wasn’t.  I couldn’t wait for it to be over.   Christmas of all days – and I wanted it to be over.  But I managed to get through the day – all thanks to pain killers though.  Not only have I had to deal with pain, but I’ve also been dealing with nausea and vomitting.  When you feel like crud it makes it difficult to get your nutrition and liquids in.

So between family drama, being sick, finding out my debit card number had been stolen and all of my funds taken from my account, and some other financial issues I’ve had to deal with – well,  the stress of it all finally caught up with me this past weekend.  I spent four straight days in bed which ultimately landed me in the emergency room, again.  I couldn’t take the pain anymore or the fact that I could barely eat or drink without either getting sick or feeling like I was going to get sick.  So to the ER I went.  Turns out I was severely dehydrated and after lots of tests and a CT scan it was determined that I have a tightening in my stomach.  Thankfully my bowels weren’t twisted because if they had, I’d probably would have had emergency surgery Tuesday night.   So next week I have an appointment with my doctor to determine the next step of action.  He will probably either do an upper GI on me or a scope to see what is causing the problem.   In the meantime, I’m dealing with pain and nausea still – story of my life lately.

I say all of that because it brings me to the title of this entry – I’m in a battle.  Not just any battle either.  With everything that has gone on in December and has carried over to the new year, not only am I in a physical battle with my body at the moment, but I’m in a spiritual battle as well. My faith has been trusted oh so many times over the last few weeks.  And while I’m not proud to say it, there have been times that I have not been pleasant with other human beings on this earth.  I am not as strong as some people think I am.  I too, have my moments.  And lately they haven’t been pretty.  At one point I literally felt like I was at my last straw and no matter what anyone told me, I just really wanted to crawl in a hole and die.  When you’re in the midst of a storm – whatever it may be – sometimes it’s difficult for a person to think clearly.  And clearly I wasn’t thinking clearly.  I’m not one to usually give up, but I was at my breaking point.  I felt like a failure, I hurt some people, and even said some things under my breath that I know I shouldn’t have said.  I was frustrated, beat down, and the hits just kept coming.

So in those four days that I was in bed, I just kept praying to God to speak to me.  I’m at my lowest point, literally had NOTHING left, and I just kept begging Him to speak to me.  I didn’t deserve it, I knew that.  But my heart was broke and my spirit wounded.  I can’t say that He necessarily spoke directly TO me, but He spoke to me through others.  Just by reading status messages on facebook that were scripture related and in a timely fashion.  It’s not like I purposely sought out all of the facebook postings of my friends that had scriptures.  I would open the screen on my phone to facebook and the scriptures would be right there – words of encouragement.  I also listened to a recent sermon that Delynn Rizzo of Healing Place Church delivered on Brokeness and it had three main points – God hears, God cares, and God heals.  So I know that God has heard my cries, and that God cares about me and my circumstances, and He heals.  So even though my spirit is wounded, I’m placing my faith and trust in those three things.  But here’s the key – it’s in His time, and not mine.  So even though I’m in a battle right now, I know He is going to work everything out – even when I have NO clue how it’s going to happen.

And just today, I was reminded of just how much we are loved.   Even though we are human and we constantly fail – I know that God still loves me.  His word says so:

Isaiah 43:1-4 (MSG)

When You’re Between a Rock and a Hard Place

 But now, God’s Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob, 
   the One who got you started, Israel:
Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you. 
   I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. 
   When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place, 
   it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God
   The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you
   all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me! 
   That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back, 
   trade the creation just for you.

I am thankful for everyone that has encouraged me, prayed for me, offered to help in any way.   I really do have some amazing people in my life who are willing to stand by me and love me in my darkest hour and help me get through all of this.  I am human, I will continue to make mistakes, but I am a work in progress and I’m learning.  I know God has great things ahead of me and I know He is trying to teach me something through all of this.  I’m not sure what, yet, but in time His plans shall be revealed.

I hope that each of you have a blessed 2012 and that your year is amazing!  Love you all!

 

oh..and by the way….I’m at 226…so for those keeping track – that means I’m 11 pounds away from the 100 mark.   And THAT day will be a huge celebration.  🙂

Hello friends!  Well Christmas is right around the corner!  I am not even close to being done with my (limited) shopping.  And depending on how I feel this evening, will determine whether or not I venture out to finish up or just go the gift card route.

Yesterday was my first day back to work.  And while it was good to see everyone again, I think I went back a bit too soon.  Whoo-wee!  I was miserable last night when I got home.  You don’t realize what your body really went through until you try to take on the world.  I know it’s been 7 weeks since my major major surgery and only two weeks since my other surgery, but two surgeries within 4 weeks of each other takes quite a toll on one’s body.  I am still pretty sore today, but thankfully I still have pain meds available and a three-day weekend ahead.

I tried steak for the first time the other nite and I am so glad my body tolerated it because I have missed steak SO much!  And it tasted so so so good too!  LOL.  I’m starting to eat a bit more, which is good – I had some green beans with my steak – yum!  But I have learned (and keep re-learning), that I cannot eat fast.  I know that I have to take at least 20 minutes (sometimes 30) to eat a meal.  I had an instance the other nite where I ate a bit too fast, and it wasn’t long after that that I started to get that watery feeling in my mouth as if I’m about to throw up.  I only threw up a little, but it was enough to say yo – slow down!

And in other milestones – I ate out at a restaurant for the first time a couple of days ago and to top it off – it was a fast food restaurant.  My mom and I went to Burger King and I asked to order just a piece of grilled chicken – no bun, no toppings, no value meal.  The kid just looked at me strange and just couldn’t grasp the concept.  My mom finally had to explain that I was on a special diet and that I couldn’t have that other stuff and I just wanted a piece of grilled chicken.  They finally got the order right and charged us $2.00 less instead of the full price for a sandwhich.  Once we got our meal, they also gave us an extra set of fries – of which I couldn’t eat – so mom got two orders of fries.  I did have to take some napkins and wipe the grease down off of the chicken, but it was good and I did not have any problems afterwards.  I also had 2.5 fries of which I made sure to get as much grease and salt off as I could before I ate them.   Again, no problems and it was nice to have something different for a change.

But here is what I noticed on my first time out in a restaurant – people eat way too fast and we really do live in a fast paced world.  One thing I’m learning in this whole experience is to slow down, realize what is important, and enjoy what this life has to offer.  The other thing I’ve noticed, is we have become so accustomed to ordering so-called “value meals” that offer little to no nutritional value and so when you want to order something small, healthy, and out of the norm, people look at you weird and have a hard time trying to process why you’re only ordering a piece of grilled chicken.  By the way – I won’t dare try ordering this “meal” in a drive-through.  I know it would only cause even more confusion, lol.  I did try another fast-food restaurant chain a couple of days later, and I pretty much got the same reaction.  It’s like we’re some kind of freak or something.  It’s fun though to be considered “out of the norm” and to watch people’s reactions.  But at the same time it gets a little frustrating because you do just want to “fit in” with society and go with the flow, so to speak.  So if you ever go out to eat with me, you have to have patience because I can’t scarf down a meal in five minutes.  I actually have to sit down and take my time to eat – and yes, I will look at my phone or a clock constantly to time myself.  I can’t wait to tackle a fancy sit-down restaurant, lol.  Stay tuned for that adventure.  😉

So where am I weight-wise?  Well, I have lost 25 pounds since surgery!  Yeah!  That’s a grand total of 82 pounds since March!  I’m only 18 pounds away from the 100 mark and oh what a day that will be!  lol  I’m starting to notice even more physical changes in me, some I like, some I don’t like – but knew I’d probably have those issues.  My wrists are definitely smaller, as are my feet and ankles.  My upper arms though are really flabby and that will probably be my problem area with excess skin.  I do have a small issue with excess skin in my neck area and in my opinion ages my face a bit, but I’m hoping that over time it will smooth out and look much better.  My stomach is not looking like a war zone so much anymore, lol.  All of my incisions are healing nicely (thanks to all of the protein I’m taking in daily).  I still can’t tell if I will have issues with excess skin in my stomach or not – it’s still too soon to tell.  I’m not so concerned about my stomach as I am my arms, lol.  Hopefully in January I can get back into a full work-out regime and get my arms looking decent.  Also, I have been going through clothes like crazy lately.  I buy one size and then a couple of weeks later, I need a smaller size.  I’m not complaining though – the shopping has been fun!  I did have to buy a 3(X) shirt the other day and that kind of bothered me.  It does something psychologically to you when you have to buy a size bigger after going the other direction.  But I know too, that not all clothes are made the same and that it’s only a matter of time until that shirt is too big too.  And for the record, I could have gotten the 2(X), but I was afraid it would shrink too much in the wash and I wouldn’t be able to wear it for the winter season.

Things otherwise have been going okay.  I finally gained some clarity and perspective on my recent break-up.  It’s such a blessing to have wonderful friends who will tell you the truth, be supportive, and love you through all of  life’s messes.  I was just glad to finally get some truth and unfortunately my instincts were correct and so I have begun the process of healing so that I can allow myself to love again.  I’m revising my list of what I want in a future mate though, lol.  I know that God has a plan for my life and that right now I’m in a molding phase.  So, I have decided that I’m just going to take the next few months and focus on what I set out on back in March and in the process also allow my heart to heal.  God has something better and bigger out there for me and I need to let go of the steering wheel and let Him do a work in me.  I know I need to re-focus my relationship with Him.   As for the other party involved, well he has a long road ahead of him and I can only wish him well and hope that he continues his path of recovery for him and him alone.  It’s the only true way to find freedom and peace and live a healthy life.

Well, that’s all I have for now.  I hope that each and every one of you have a wonderful Christmas!  Enjoy the time with your families and remember the true meaning of CHRISTmas!

Love to you and Merry Christmas!

WARNING:  This post has the potential to be brutally honest about some things and may make the reader uncomfortable.  I am not going to hide what I have been experiencing because that would be denying my true feelings and I want this blog to be helpful to other readers who just want honesty.  Just wanted to give you a fair warning.  🙂

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Hello everyone!  I trust that this entry finds you doing well.  Can you believe that Christmas is only a couple of weeks away?  I have found myself having a difficult time getting into the Christmas spirit this year.  I thing a lot of it has to do with the recent events in my life, but also I know that financially I cannot go all out this year and buy too many (if any) presents this year.  I know Christmas isn’t about the presents, but I love to give gifts.      This year things are just going to have to be different.

So what’s been going on with me?  Well, last Friday I had another surgery, this one was unplanned.  On December 3rd I started experiencing some severe pain in my stomach on my right side.  I thought maybe it was because I had worn some jeans and was sitting all day, making it a bit tight around my abdomen.  But then on Sunday, I was still having the pain and it was getting worse.  I called the doctor on call and he suggested that I come in to the ER and have things checked out.  So, my mom and I spent Sunday afternoon in the ER.  After having an ultrasound done, it was determined that I needed to have my gall bladder taken out.  The ER doc told me to follow up with my doctor that did my gastric bypass surgery and that I was not going back to work on Monday.  So, first thing Monday morning I called my doctor, got an appointment scheduled for the next day.  And my doctor was in agreement that my gall bladder needed to come out.  He was quite surprised that I started having problems so soon after my surgery.  Gall stones is a common side effect of weight loss surgery, and I was aware of that going into this.  And typically they run tests on your gall bladder before surgery so that if there are stones present before surgery, they just do it all at once.  But my results came back with an exceptionally healthy gall bladder, which is why they didn’t take it out when I had my gastric bypass done.  So much to all of our surprise, I was now faced with another surgery.  So, last Friday I had my gall bladder removed.

The procedure was done as an outpatient and I was home late Friday evening.  And while I’m thankful to have that thing out of me, I have been in misery even more ever since.  The doctor was able to re-use some of my incisions from my gastric bypass, so now I have those incisions healing again.  But I have had the worst case of constipation known to man.  It hurts to stand, sit, lay down, anything.  I have experienced nausea, pain, and even an emotional breakdown in the bathroom.  It has NOT been a pleasant last few days.  Thank goodness for painkillers and a cat that likes to cuddle.  I am SO ready to get back to feeling normal again though.

Not only have I been dealing with this, but you know I can’t really do much to keep myself busy so I just start thinking about stuff.  I keep re-hashing everything that went down with my recent break-up with my ex.  So I have had to deal with those feelings, wondering if I made the right decision.  I’ve been trying to find out some more information, but I haven’t gotten any response from those I sent messages to.  So now I’m wondering if it wasn’t all a scheme to break us up.  I don’t know anymore.  I’m not going to lie – I miss him, a lot.  I hate that he is hurting right now, but so am I.  I loved him deeply and I trusted him.  But I just can’t seem to figure out what is real and true anymore.  I just want some answers because I have to know that I made the right decision.

And then I think – well maybe God does have someone better out there for me.  But doesn’t He know that I hate the dating period?  lol.  But all joking aside, I think about the future and what lies ahead.  And the more I think about it, the more confused I get.  I’m literally in a place that I don’t know what direction I should go.  I am not at peace with anything right now.  I’m frustrated and honestly I’m a little sensitive.   Someone’s comment to me today hit me wrong and I had had enough.  So, if I come off abrasive to some, I apologize now.   I’m human, I have feelings, and I have a lot going on upstairs right now.  So I ask for mercy, patience, and time while I try to figure out where I’m going next.  Two weeks ago, my life was all planned out, and now….I have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring.  Having no plan, well it scares me.  I’m a planner.  I like to have things laid out and in order.  Now, I don’t have that.

Even though I’d like to have every one of my posts all rosey and happy, this one simply is not.  It’s a glimpse at a day in my life.  I posted recently on my facebook page that I don’t know what God is trying to teach me through all of this, but I know it will be worth it.  And maybe someday I can write a happy post on just what God has revealed to me.  But until that day comes, just please keep loving me right where I’m at, because right now it’s not pretty.

Love you all…